“My Burden Is Light”

When I awoke this morning, I had a scripture going through my mind; “Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all [ye] that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke [is] easy, and my burden is light.

That passage in Matthew has always been one of my favorite life verses, getting me through many times of hardship, and sorrow.  When I think about how difficult things get when I try to face the challenges on my own, it mystifies me why I even try to tackle them alone in the first place.  When He says to take my yoke upon you, my yoke is easy… He is asking us to share our burdens with Him, let Him carry the weight of them for us. Yes, we will be there seeing the action first hand, we don’t get a “pass” to get out of the difficult times, but He is there along side, attached to us, by choice, saying “I’ve got this, you just walk next to me”.

While I was looking up yokes on-line to understand this before writing, I happened upon a youtube video of some Amish folks ploughing a field with two  yoked oxen.  The oxen were given small feed baskets of hay  to eat as they ploughed. It was so peaceful, no hardship for the oxen at all, only for the farmer ( smile ).  I thought about how fitting the above scripture was in that scene.  Jesus was familiar with these scenes, they were seasonal occurrences for Him.  The yoke is something we don’t relate to, so this passage goes under- appreciated. He is saying He wants to be a fellow laborer in all or endeavors. Don’t miss that.  There are some things he asks US to do though, as well.

1. Come unto Me.   2. Take my yoke upon you   3. Learn of Me.

First we need to be willing to come to Him without excuses, buts , justifications, or hesitation… just come to Him, acknowledging that He is the only one who has the answers, even if you’re not sure about that, what have you got to lose?  He takes us as we are, we don’t need to clean up our act, or give up things before we come to Him, just be real. He takes care of all that.  There is nothing so wretched that He cannot forgive, His Grace is sufficient to forgive  the most heinous sin. He is the one who justifies us, meaning: ” just ‘s if I’d ” (never done wrong).
Romans 3:21-24 But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
24 and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Take my yoke upon you, it is easy, my burden is light… There is a real lesson here, if He is the strong one, and you are yoked to Him, you would imagine your part would be to just sail along for the ride!  When my husband and I go kayaking, he does the lions share of the paddling.  I can always tell when he stops, as the weight of my stroke increases tremendously.  How very important it is for us to be in tandem with our Lord, staying firmly fixed on him. Letting Him be the one who carries our burdens, so our faces can reflect His glory, peace and rest, juxtaposed to the gnarled brow of hardship and angst.

Learn of me ; for I am meek and humble of heart.  What is it to be meek?  To have infinite resources at your command, but a complete, 100%  lack of self interest. All the power, complete control and humility for the sake of others. Can you imagine today’s philanthropist, if they had these qualities, it would be a wonderful thing, but each one has to blow the biggest horn, and contact as many press agencies as possible so we all know how great they are! That is NOT meekness by the way.  One example of meekness I love is in the garden of Gethsemane,  Jesus is praying His last prayer in the Garden before he is arrested… Luke 22:44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Luke 22:45 And when he rose up from prayer, and was come to his disciples, he found them sleeping for sorrow,

Luke 22:46 And said unto them, Why sleep ye? rise and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

Luke 22:47 And while he yet spake, behold a multitude, and he that was called Judas, one of the twelve, went before them, and drew near unto Jesus to kiss him.

Luke 22:48 But Jesus said unto him, Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss?

Luke 22:49 When they which were about him saw what would follow, they said unto him, Lord, shall we smite with the sword?

Luke 22:50 And one of them smote the servant of the high priest, and cut off his right ear.

Luke 22:51 And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him.

Jesus in the middle of this chaotic scene, being arrested by a great  torch carrying mob, cared about the one man, a servant.  He healed his ear in the midst of his own betrayal, arrest, and soon to be crucifixion.  That is what I believe to be the definition of meek. He says if we learn of Him we will find rest for your souls. It makes perfect sense to me, as I have looked at this all morning, I have truly been at rest, he’s got this.  My financial struggles are nothing to Him, My physical ailments are a breeze when I am anchored to Him, because my soul is at Peace and Rest.

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Grace and Mercy

There is a song by the late Roby Duke, in which one of the verses says: “at the end of my rope He made a swing for me, and I swing without fear of tomorrow”.   How that verse ministers to me in my times of suffering.  I have been ill for the last several days, and when I get sick, I go down for the count.  I can chalk that up to having fibromyalgia, I just don’t get over things the way most  people do.  As I have been having this time of pain, and illness, I have been reminded of a time back when the children were younger, I was not yet diagnosed with fibro, and I was in the center ring of the three ring circus I called my life.  It was ‘all on’ all the burners were firing so to speak. Four kids homeschooling, a large garden, fruit trees, a small business, a husband commuting 65 miles to work, we were serving at church, the directors of children’s ministries, my husband on the elders board, meetings, church three times a week…WHEW!

My body was becoming ‘a walking, talking syndrome’ everything was going wrong , not able to sleep or eat, I got down to 97 pounds, very weak and dehydrated. I ended up in the hospital.  When I was in the hospital room changing into my gown, seeing nothing but bones, crying, I prayed, Lord, I have nothing left of me, I can’t do anything for anyone. I can’t do anything for you, or my family, or anyone…I am undone.  The Lord spoke to my heart, and told me, that is where you need to be to understand what I have done for you.  Apart from me you can do nothing.

John 1:3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Up to that time, and admittedly, some time after, I had never grasped the fact that I could do absolutely nothing apart from the grace and mercy of God. Additionally, I never understood that He loved me when I was at my lowest, most wretched state, as much as when I was the most pious.  These concepts were never hard for my husband to grasp, he had a happy childhood, with parents who were very affirming, he exudes confidence from every cell of his being.  Conversely, with my dysfunctional childhood, I never understood unconditional love, I could not grasp it to save my life!  I know with all my heart there are some of you out there who can relate to this, there are so many people who have struggled with this I have spoken with personally.  The thought that God could love me without me earning it… or someone else like my husband could love me, and keep loving me without me proving to him my worth over and over again. How liberating to know that the grace and mercy of God has been extended to us, and there need not be anything more added to what He has done for us- as a matter of fact, our adding to it is filthy, (Isaiah 64:6) and an insult to His perfect work.  When we understand who he is, The God of heaven and earth, who created all things, past present future; Philippians 2:6 ‘Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing,  taking the very nature Or the form of a servant,being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death–even death on a cross’ It makes it easier to put into perspective our  place , realizing that there is no way we can add anything to what he has done for us.  The one thing I was left with through pondering the passage in Philippians, is a sense of awe of Jesus, He gave up everything and became like us.  Because of His great Love and Mercy, he bought my pardon, and made it possible for me to be reconciled with The Father, and have hope and healing.

Through death comes life.  I can’t understand His unsearchable love for me, until I die to myself and my old way of thinking, understanding that when He said “it is finished”  He paid the final price for sin.  That was my final liberation, mine and yours.  I heard a pastor on the radio give a message one day, telling a story about a man who was having difficulty with smoking cigarettes.  He felt guilt and shame about his smoking habit, and went to the pastor about it.  The pastor told the man to just go smoke his cigarettes, and just delight himself in his salvation, don’t worry so much-  take pleasure in your God.  A few weeks later, the man returned , saying he felt so free, and giddy from the pastors answer, he forgot to smoke!  He gave them up with ease, by just delighting in his salvation.  I think we forget about just delighting in the salvation He has bestowed upon us, the mercies,(being given more than we deserve) and we  reflect more often upon the deep pit we have been rescued out of,rather than the heights to which He is taking us! Delight yourself also in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

I want to conclude this with a song from the group Leeland, watch the video, listen to the words, I hope they minister to you. I would love to hear some feedback from someone, or if you would like to message me, my email is there, it will not be published, and will be held in strict confidence.

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The Truth Shall Set You Free

Wherever you look throughout scripture, we are told to walk in truth, not to lie, not to bare false witness, that ‘the truth shall set you free’ yet somehow, we figure out a way to compartmentalize our lives to include God in some places , and not in others.  When it comes to keeping a matter from a spouse for instance, so as not to rock the boat, that would be an area we need to discuss. I suggest reading through the book of Ephesians, it is a wonderful book to get a grip on this area.  For now, I will address the various ways we keep things from one another to our own hurt, and what to do to avoid it.

A secret  withheld from a loved one, should have a reason, good or bad.  Of course, for reasons of joyful surprise, or the reasons given in this link, a wonderful article I found on lying :http://parablemania.ektopos.com/archives/2004/08/lying.html The rest of the time, secrets are destructive little devices which create division, and damage to the soul, spirit, and lifestyle.

First,  the secrets between  spouses, whether it be the husband keeping mismanagement of finances, gambling, or the loss of a job… or a wife hiding secret charge accounts, workplace flirtations, or even an affair perhaps. There are some darker, more taboo secrets I won’t address in this article, when I am ready, I will talk about those separately.  Whatever the secret may be, it is going to break down your relationship- Guaranteed.  If you ponder for a minute, having secrets from your spouse is living a lie.  In our society today, “little white lies” that so called ‘keep things from getting complicated’ are totally acceptable.  “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” Our propensity to be willing to ‘cover our own butts’ in any given situation, rather than exercise integrity is alarming. How did we get so lazy about personal responsibility?    Destructive and ugly, and able to tear away at the very foundations of a marriage; husband , if you have a habit as many do, of secretly looking at porn online, and don’t think it has no bearing on your relationship with your wife.  Soon she will not measure up to your desires, you will lust for more from her, your expectations will go unfulfilled, and soon emptiness will be all you have left.  God created her for you, and if you are satisfied in her alone, God will bless you in ways you will be unable to believe if you have eyes for her alone.  If any of these areas are ones you struggle with, confess to your spouse, and work through it together.  Yes, it will be difficult, but not impossible.

Next, secrets you may have with your child, between them and you, excluding your spouse.  Again, if it isn’t for a surprise you are planning, it will teach that child some very bad lessons.  The worst of which, is the art of lying and manipulation, working one parent against the other.  You will show the child a weakness of character in yourself, that you are willing to keep things from your spouse. Remember that a child feels most secure when they know that their parents have a solid relationship. You also have the best defense against whining, rebellious, and manipulative children if you have a united approach to your children’s upbringing, and don’t do things behind one another’s back.  This is especially hard for divorced parents sharing custody, trying not to give ammunition to a contentious ex-spouse leaves little choice, but to have good communication, and strong will to avoid letting the child(ren) get in the middle of the two of you. The best policy is to always stand in the light of truth, and full disclosure, so there is no room for accusation, misunderstanding, or manipulation.

Hebrews 4:12-13
12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Revealing what should be (secret) things personal to you and your spouse, to friends, or family members should be avoided.  What I am talking about is: your private things should be kept private, don’t go to mom ladies with your frustrations about hubby, it will make him look bad to your parents, which is destructive in itself.  Talking about your sex life to your friends in a “just for fun” way is never good either.  This goes for both of you… Do you love ,respect, and cherish your partner, or think of your spouse as a way to get your needs satisfied?  Mutual respect and cherishing your spouse is so important to keeping  your relationship on the right track to deepening and growing stronger over time, as opposed to diminishing and wondering what can be done to ‘get back that lovin’ feelin’ .  It isn’t hard to understand, these aren’t really secret things, but cherished things between you two, or private things, like your difficulties.  If you as a couple need to get some advice, the best thing to do is… don’t go to mom & dad at all.  It is hard for mom and dad to separate themselves emotionally, not taking a side.  Go to a pastor, or someone you can trust, who you have admired their marriage a long time.  Try first just talking it out from a different place, looking at things through that other persons vantage point.  Conflict management should be handled on an individual basis for sure, but if you know that you are for one another, or at the very least, can commit to  look out for one another, have that persons back, start from there.  Whatever you do though, don’t embarrass them by revealing all the personal stuff only a spouse would know, is that something you would like them to do to you?

Whatever the secret may be, it doesn’t belong. You can justify in your mind why you may be keeping that secret, but once you reveal it, and deal with it, healing and reconciliation is possible.

1Jo 1:6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him and {yet} walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth;
1Jo 1:7 but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
1Jo 1:8 If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.
1Jo 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

God is able, don’t think any situation is too bleak to fix, or any lie or secret is too wretched to be forgiven.  He does forgive, as will the person who has been offended, if they also will seek the Lord and His power to forgive. Please feel free to email me with prayer requests or questions, they will be confidential.

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Too Much Pressure

Pressure, Stress, Expectations… add emotions and fears, and you have a recipe for explosive confrontation. If  you and your spouse are in the same place,(stress wise )it intensifies the power of that explosion. First, I have to say by way of reminder, you are each others best advocate and cheerleader. If you haven’t become that for your spouse, it is high time you did.

Proverbs 18:14-22 The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, But {as for} a broken spirit who can bear it?
The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.
A man’s gift makes room for him And brings him before great men.
The first to plead his case {seems} right, {Until} another comes and examines him.
The {cast} lot puts an end to strife And decides between the mighty ones.
A brother offended {is harder to be won} than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a citadel.
With the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach will be satisfied; He will be satisfied
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.

If you are tearing each other down because of your own stress, insecurities and fears, chances are very good you will break the spirit of the other.  Take a moment to BREATHE I am speaking figuratively here, but take a deep breath too.  Take care of those things you can, know that the rest will be there, and will work out.  As you see in the Proverbs I share with you here, a person can endure sickness, but not a broken spirit.  So… Lift each other up, pray together.  Have you ever actually Prayed Together? Out loud? Show how much you love each other, it will all turn out fine.   The mind of the prudent gets knowledge, and wise men seek advice from people who know better than themselves.  Seek counsel from a financial counselor, pastor, marriage counselor, etc. The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him.  In other words, don’t jump to conclusions, always listen to all the facts, and both sides of the story before you make any determinations about a matter.  A brother offended is  like a strong city, or (a fortified city) contentions like the bars of a citadel.  Let’s look at that picture a minute, if you offend him/her, basically the walls go up.  It is hard to break down those walls, or break into that bastion of personal security (the citadel).  The citadel was a stronghold in a walled city, think about the movie ‘The Two Towers’ in the Lord of The Rings trilogy, there is a great example of this.  The Rohirrim under King Théoden, who had taken refuge in the mountain fortress of the Hornburg at Helm’s Deep.  The King commanded his people to be taken into the depths of the  city, into the citadel of the city, and when it got really intense, into the ‘keep’  I apologize if this example is a bit “geeky” but what a mental picture of what happens to us when we are offended.  We draw back into our very own place of fortification against future hurt.  We harden our hearts, we even give up entirely. I have done this before, hardened my heart to any more hurt or future offense.  It is a tragic state, you are a prisoner of your own false security.  It takes losing your life to find it- Luke 17:33 ‘Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.’

Death and life are in the power of the tongue… I won’t belabor this one here as I wrote a whole blog on the subject earlier.  However, since it goes with our subject, and prefaces the next verse, I will say this, Is your tongue full of poison or honey.  Are you breaking the spirit, or uplifting?   Are you offending your partner or being their greatest advocate? Are you inside the Citadel, protecting your broken spirit?  Have you given up?

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.  You need to believe this husband, You need to live this wife. Be For Each Other!

“They are one person
They are two alone
They are three together
They are for each other”

(Steven Stills)

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What A Nag!

A nagging wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. (Proverbs 27:15) Drip, drip, drip… it makes you go crazy!  Have you ever been around couples, where the husband is passive, and the wife just drips continually?  Throughout the Proverbs, Solomon teaches his son about women, finding a good wife, among so many other things, he says this about that nagging woman: “It is better to live on the corner of the rooftop, than in a house with a quarrelsome wife” Prov 25:24.

So why the nagging? Is it fun? Do you just think he deserves to be shot machine-gun like with choice morsels of cleverly formed jabs, so he will be sure of your disapproval?  Don’t think I am only going to address how this applies to your marriage.  If you are nagging him, you are nagging your kids too.  Track with me for a minute, there is something at the core of this,  Much of it can stem from the poor modeling, you grew up with a “Hover Mother” constantly on you for this or that.  You could just be very unhappy with life, disappointed with how things have panned out, you are taking that frustration out on those around you…maybe you don’t even realize you are doing it.  Are you being accused of nagging?  You are undoubtedly frustrated with people not listening to you, not doing what you ask them to do, but how are you communicating?

There should be good communication between you and your spouse, if there is something you are having difficulty with, you need to talk it over while you are both in a good place, not when the issue becomes heated.  If, after he/she is spoken to, knows how you feel, and doesn’t respond, it is your turn to offer help, or just take it to God.  Many times God will change us, and our attitudes, before He changes someone else s’ bad habit.

Let’s address those core issues for a second. You need to so some soul searching here.  If things are coming out pear shaped because you are disappointed with your life, feel let down, you have unresolved bitterness, these things need to be dealt with. How?  The first step is recognize that they are there, next, you need to take them to God, he can heal you of those things, you should also talk with someone you trust, and pray with them about it.  I always say that the skeleton when left in the closet, has the power to get scary, but bring him into the light, and all he is, is old, lifeless, bones. Bring old “boney” out, and deal with the core issues, you will feel so much better!

For the life of me I just do not understand couples who cut each other down.  Worse yet, is when they do it in front of a room full of people.  It is like a dagger in MY gut, when I hear couples tear each other apart, or humiliate their spouse.  The entire room turns frigid with the lack of love, discretion, and prudence.  It makes you wonder what kind of relationship a person has, that they would cast their spouse in the worst possible light, rather than present the best side of them, knowing every flaw intimately, privately.  Being the most important person in your life, you want to be sure that people see the good in your spouse, not exposing those flaws, they are yours to know, you are one flesh.  You have each others backs, you will defend them and honor them to the end. That is how it should be!

So they don’t pick up after themselves, they have bad habits, you have things you have to put up with,old boney is rattling your cage, Yeah, So? I have only one thing left to say:

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind {and} is not jealous; love does not brag {and} is not arrogant,
1Cr 13:5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong {suffered,}
1Cr 13:6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
1Cr 13:7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Cr 13:8 Love never fails; but if {there are gifts of} prophecy, they will be done away; if {there are} tongues, they will cease; if {there is} knowledge, it will be done away.
1Cr 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
1Cr 13:10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
1Cr 13:11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
1Cr 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
1Cr 13:13 But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Let the Love of Christ do it’s perfect work in us, we only have this short time with our family, with no “do-overs” don’t waste it nagging.

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Too Late For Regret

He was between a first born son, and a first born daughter, who was born only 11 months later. He was the lost boy. He was “hell on wheels” trying to keep up with big brother, who was handsome, and confident. Everyone got the attention but him, except for the fact, that in trying to keep up, he got hurt allot. As he got old enough to start figuring out ways to be noticed, to find approval, he started sports, and was very good at what he did, but the coach made him pay a heavy price for the pitcher’s position on the little league. Our parents were oblivious, they were busy. He tried and tried… He sold greeting cards door to door every year to buy all of us Christmas gifts, we didn’t notice his generous spirit, we were all too busy.

He finally decided to try the other approach, he knew he got attention when he got in trouble, so he started getting into trouble ALLOT!. They called the police and he went to juvenile hall, they couldn’t handle him, they called it being incorrigible. He came home,  the drugs, and drinking were keeping him from the pain of constant rejection. There was a point when it looked like things would turn around, when  he got into a serious accident that fractured his skull, landing him in the ICU for weeks. My folks were hand wringing for him, nobody knew what the outcome would be . Many who get this type of injury on a motorcycle without a helmet become impaired for life.  Physical therapy and teaching him to talk all over again, proved to be a good thing to reboot him, and connect him with my parents.

They actually did allot for him outwardly, he was a diver, on the dive team, so they put in a good spring board in the backyard pool. They got him classical guitar lessons from a very reputable teacher. They were doing outward things to keep him busy, but didn’t know how to get to the core of his problems, what the issue really was.

He eventually got a steady job, got married, had a daughter, got divorced, met another woman, had another daughter…Split up. They never got to the core of the issues, “Dad… I need you to love me, to listen to me, to accept me for who I am”. So the pattern you see, but there were deeper issues, soulish hurts, that little league coach, what unimaginable damage it has on a man. It wreaks havoc on future relationships if not navigated carefully with God’s help.

One day he came to me, rejoicing with a beaming face. He came to know Christ. I had never seen him so happy. My Father too, had turned his life to Christ before that time,so there was some real mending to do. Another day he came to me, a bit more concerned, but still filled with joy, he asked me if I could take him for an HIV test. I did, it was positive, and he moved in with my family for awhile. We went together, my husband I and my brother, to tell my parents,about his test results,  it was devastating. As you can imagine, as a parent, you wonder what you could have done differently, with my dad, he looks back and now that he knows what he knows, would have done everything differently, he is riddled with regret.

He moved in with a family who had a quiet place on a hillside in the country for the time that he was able to get around. They were friends from church, who had a spare room, and big hearts. When we thought it was time for my folks to have time with him as he was diminishing, we had him move in with them. He and my dad got to go fishing together several times, (he loved to fish) but later was bedridden for quite some time. He passed away on my birthday in 1993, he had a happy look on his face, I saw him just a few minutes after he passed into Glory.

So how does his story apply? Remember in previous posts, how I talked about knowing the character of your child? His was special, he was generous, entrepreneurial, ambitious, creative, and athletic. When a parent takes time to recognize the qualities in their child, and steer them in the way of those traits and characteristics, (Pro 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. )that child will not have the burdens of trying to prove their worth to a parent, or the mess of trying to figure out who they are. You are helping them along on their journey, their coach, and greatest advocate.  Listen to your son, affirm to him that you accept him for who he is, don’t just make him listen to your endless rants about you, and how it was for you- that is your deal… this is your chance to make it work for his future, this will prevent you from future regret.

For my dad, he got to know my brother at the very end of his life, and had a very short time with him. The times they got to go fishing together are precious to him, but if there was anything that I know he would wish for, and that would be, a chance to do it all over again, knowing what he knows now, that your children grow up much too fast, don’t be too busy, don’t take any of it for granted. Let love and patience be what guides you, pick your battles wisely, don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t impose your own dreams and failed ambitions or lack thereof on your sons, let the grace and kindness of your affirming words do their perfect work instead.

You know, there are so  many parents today, and every day, who have an unexpected sudden loss of a child.  What a tragedy, I have not had this experience, losing my brother was  an anguish that was deep, due to our closeness, I cannot imagine losing a child.  This, I want to be especially sensitive about, because it is so hard for those who have lost children, or for those who have kids fighting in the war, you want to take things back, get a second chance, before it is too late. Take the time to lay your soul on the table, about how much you love your son, accept him, and want him to know that there is nothing that can separate him from your love. He is just a keystroke , text message, or phone call away.  You have a daughter who you are at odds with? Now is the time… No time for regrets.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hiv-aids/DS00005/UPDATEAPP=false&FLUSHCACHE=0

http://www.way2hope.org/signs_of_child_molestation.htm

Joe 2:25

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten,

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Father and Son

This is such an uplifting video, the way it should be between father and son.  Building a relationship starts when the child is young, and grows to manhood.  He is watching and modeling himself after you. Communication between Father and son is the most important element in the building of the future husbands ability to lead, to communicate with his future wife, and to pursue his dreams and aspirations. For some reason, in the heart of each son, there is a passionate desire to please his father, and to make him proud. If , like in the song, you are always telling the son to listen, as you rant against him, the walls will go up, and he will take a natural course of either rebellion, least resistance, or fighting to prove to you he is worthy of your love with everything he’s got. I am keeping this short today so it may have the impact I want it to have. Men, mom is not the only one who needs to break that cycle, LISTEN to your son, take him fishing, hug him and tell him you love him, no matter what. Next time I will share with you the brother I lost to “too late syndrome”.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

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Love’s Triumph

Sgs 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, Nor can the floods drown it.

Yesterday I wrote about something personal, I had shared with you how I had been unwise with my words, tearing my husband down, making him feel hollowed out- ready to give up. As I had said, everything worked out, we are closer than ever. So what is the key? How do you survive the storms that beat against the very soul of your marriage? For one, I think it is important for us to remember that we all grow, and change, but the core of our who we are is always there. If you don’t spend time discovering what is going on inside your spouse, you should. Most men change career paths at least once in their adulthood and sometimes many more . If he is changing careers often, maybe he is on a path to self discovery. Are you supporting him, helping him find out who he is, and what his passions are? Where he may be lacking fulfillment? Husband, are you loving her and trying to understand her need for nesting, for security, and stability? As a woman, she has these needs instinctively, because she bares the children. God put it in her nature to be the nurturer, the ‘nester’ (Oh Geez, I sound like Grandma Moses here, but it’s true)! You pay close attention to the in ‘unspoken’ between the lines, after reading this, and you will catch my drift. There is also her personal dreams and aspirations, are you encouraging her in her talents? Do you know what her dreams are?  The other key is that each one of you are important, you should be just as interested in your partners dreams and aspirations, and be equally involved in the process.  Have you ever sewn a garment, and had the tension on the sewing machine be out of calibration, your top stitches may seem to be just fine, but the moment you expose the underside, you see the missing thread, and it causes the seam to come apart as it had not been passed through at all. Tension in a marriage is a good thing, it draws us into intimate conversation, into deeper trust for one another as we battle through the times of discord.  I love the chorus from a song by Sixpence which goes…

“but tension is to be loved
when it is like a passing note
to a beautiful, beautiful chord ”

I love that!  It is so true, tension passes in and out of our relationships, and as it does, it creates a symphony of beautiful and wonderful harmonies which would never be possible without it. In these times though, it is so easy to play the blame game, trying to project your frustrations onto your spouse for your own  lack of fulfillment, or you  bring up issues that were supposed to be forgiven and forgotten, going down an ever growing laundry list of wrongs you have suffered at their “cruel hand”.  This one is good, The I have to get my point across, even if it has no relevance to what you are talking about.   How about the silent treatment?  Going to bed not talking to one another- or worse, sending your spouse to the proverbial “dog house”  (The Couch).  God’s word says “don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” Eph. 4:26. There is great wisdom in this, number one, talk it out before bed. Number two, if you are able, I mean size wise, get a queen size bed, no larger, if you have your foot touch when you are still cooling after a feud, there isn’t much chance of staying upset for long. Besides, it cuts down on your heating bill. : )

We have seen far too many people get divorced after 20+ years of marriage, saying that they just grew apart, or they just didn’t love one another any more. I for the life of me can’t imagine how I could ever live without my husband, our love grows deeper as we grow older. I can certainly understand what the causes may be however, which would bring the failure of a long term marriage. First, along the journey together, you go through many phases, or chapters of your life together. The newlywed years, traveling, no kids, then the babies, working allot, spending much of your time focused on these things. Then the years where you have teens, and aging parents at the same time, then all the graduations, weddings…eventually the empty nest. Where did time go? Who are you? They didn’t kindle the fire of their love at every opportunity. Did they get away for romantic weekends? Did they have a date night, or was date night in front of the boob tube with a beer watching bowling for dollars? Look, if you are as poor as dirt, you can pack little picnic  supper of finger foods, a blanket,  and have a very romantic evening under the stars somewhere.
Keep the fires of romance burning, and the communication happening. No matter where you are on the road map in your marriage, you must take romantic respites.  We would go camping over a weekend, farmed out the children to friends, later we would rent a home at the coast. Whatever you do, for an evening, or weekend, you need to keep the home fires burning, and that candle of romance lit! Oh, and have you made a good play list for your ipod? your special play list of slow dance music?  You can slow dance together when the kids go to sleep… Isn’t it romantic?

One thing my husband and I do, we go on walks every evening. Ever since we were first married, since we didn’t get a honeymoon, we have had a thing where we ask each other: ” If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?” We then proceed to paint a scenario together of a grand fantasy vacation, of course, we are walking at quite a clip, I don’t know if I am hyperventilating because of the speed we are walking, or because I am in my fantasy world! It is things like this that we have that just make the tough times seem more than bearable, they are endearing, and special to us.  I have covered allot of ground here today, and in summing things up in my mind, what I learned through the tension we have been through lately, is that we are going into another chapter of our lives.  My husband is in pursuit of something we aren’t sure what yet, but he is so creative, it may take many more tries to find it out.  Furthermore, that tension brought me into a more intimate knowledge of who he is, and I love him even more,  and I am excited to see what is in store. On his part, there isn’t a single thing he wouldn’t do for me or support me in. I wouldn’t be able to share any of this without his careful and consistent affirmation over the years.

Couples, love is a choice, and a commitment you make, but when it is the two of you facing the world and it’s challenges together, rather than being faced off against each other, (or in it for yourself), time passes quickly, and you still feel like newlyweds, only without all the uncertainties. Now , go get that icechest,  and whisk that special someone off to a romantic evening…don’t forget the blanket!

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Affirmation and Solidarity

Things have been hard in the world lately. It has been hard to hang on to what we have, whether it be a job, house, relationship, it is just intense these days! I was reflecting this morning on how hard it has been on my husband, he has allot of pressure on him. The times when we are in the crucible of trials is when we need someone to be solidly behind us. We need words of affirmation, and the confidence building that assures them that everything is going to be O.K. Think about the marriage vow, “… in richer and in poorer, in sickness and in health” a commitment and promise was made that assured that other person that you wouldn’t let them down , even in the worst of circumstances.
In Ephesians chapter five, Paul states no less than three times that the man should love his wife, and once that he should “cleave to her”. It is not there for arbitrary reasons, and three times?
We can be hard to love sometimes, we can nitpick him, nag, place all sorts of heavy expectations on him. We make excuses for it, like “I am having PMS” or “Menopause” or “I am having your child!” What does Paul say to us women? “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto The Lord” (Eph. 5:22)
Ladies, he makes mistakes, men, you make mistakes, but we have to bring those to the Lord, and HONOR you with solidarity and affirmation. We are partners, we are in this together, a team. If one is down, that other team member must be there to pick the other up. ( Ecc 4:9 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.
Ecc 4:10 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. )
It is so easy to break the spirit of your spouse. I cannot emphasize that enough. It is so easy to tear down, and hollow them out to the brink of complete despondency. If this is learned before it is too late, it can make a world of difference. One pastor said one Sunday, that the best thing that parents can do for their children is to love one another, and be affectionate toward each other. This teaches the children what a nurturing marriage should look like, and theirs will have that much more chance of success. I have to confess, I have not been a nurturing and affirming wife lately, and have never seen my husband so hollowed out. He is usually the most confident, upbeat, inspiring person you will ever meet. My words have torn him down to the very core of his being, and I have a heavy heart. I am thankful our children are grown. All that I share with you is from experience, and forty nine years of learning at the University of Hard Knocks. I am confident my best friend and I will get all things sorted out, we always have these thirty years, but what I learned through this situation is that I never want to see my best friend and husband lacking in my affirmation and support ever again.

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Parenting is An ART

Just like the Bonsai tree , raising children requires careful training, and special handling and care. My husband has recently taken up the hobby of bonsai, it takes patience, it requires molding and bending the branches while they are young and tender. Right now, he has a heavy rock tied to the ends on a couple of wired branches. If you follow the symbolism here, you will understand that while your child is young and impressionable,(Pro 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it). it is the most important time to establish the rules and boundaries for your home life. The other important thing to catch here is that a bonsai artist studies the sapling before they start the formation of the design. They look at what the finished result should look like in their mind, and start pressing slowly toward that goal. It may take decades before they achieve the desired goal, but they are patient in their endeavor, for they have the joy in knowing the result will be worth the wait.
In the book of Ephesians 2, it says Eph 2:10 “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. ” the word “workmanship”
actually translates in the Greek ‘POIEMA’ where we get the English word ‘poem’ or work of art.
Like the bonsai artist, Jesus too, saw ahead, and for the joy that was His, gave all He had to be the artist in the grandest work of all- mankind. ‘fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.’ Hbr 12:2
As a parent, you recognize that each one of your children, from the day of their birth, are completely different individuals, with different temperaments, and characteristics. Just like that sapling, each child needs to be studied as an individual, to understand what makes that child tick. Our oldest for instance, was intelligent from the word go- a memory and vocabulary as a toddler that blew people away. He had what we called the Eyore complex though, he walked around with a rain cloud over his head all the time. He never believed in himself the way everyone around him believed in him. He was so large for his age though, his motor skills were behind some of the kids his age, soccer proved to be a disaster, and we quickly decided it was lost on him. We didn’t push the sports, but supported all the dreams he pursued, and is still pursuing. We still believe in him, and admire him very much, he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, that memory, intelligence, and boundless creativity is his ticket. What sets him apart however, is his disarming charm and lightning whit. Our middle son was a very happy baby, with a very empathetic personality. If you pretended to be sad, he would pout up and cry with you, you could turn right around and laugh, and he would giggle like crazy.
His personality showed us that it would not take much to get him to sway. This could be positive or negative. We needed to strengthen him in his character, we put him in boy scouting, where he thrived, we also encouraged his music and art, because of his sensitivity. He excelled in all these areas, Eagle- almost. Professional musician? yes, Bass Guitar. Artist? Yes, professionally.
Our daughter came out of the womb with fists clinched and fire in her eyes. When she was dive rolling out of her playpen, and climbing out of her crib before six month old, we knew we had a spitfire. She was the kind of baby that you could not hold onto to get her to sleep, she would bend backwards, and wiggle, and cry for hours. Stubborn? Oh you think so? Her brothers didn’t want to mess with her, she was so tiny, but she was large and in charge! We had to put her in gymnastics so she could learn the correct way to tumble. Her intelligence and moxie were more than any boy could deal with, we never had to worry. One boy trying to make advances at her while a young teen, found himself pinned to the wall with a dining chair- Needless to say, she is our office manager in the medical field. At 26 she is only 4’11” she can hold her own. Our saying with her: It was like taming a wild mustang- But the beauty of her spirit now, her patience, graciousness, and calm demeanor are virtues that come from the training and knowing an artist never paints with only one brush, in one color but many. She by the way is expecting her first child, and will be the most incredible mother! Each child has different bents, or God given characters, which we must treat as individually as possible. The stubborn child doesn’t respond to the same discipline as the more malleable one. We were also blessed with the most creative child you could ever imagine, it certainly had it’s challenges for the family, and for him, He had ADHD.
Do you treat these children the same? Hopefully if you are smart, you do some homework on what to expect. I will write a blog on it later. Our son had a hard time with schooling, coping, all the classic things they go through. The one thing we felt important was to let him express himself. OH Yeah- he did that alright, he wore a cape everywhere he went, every day, with punk clothes, glasses that had no lenses with masking tape in the middle. I could go on, but all this to say, we accepted him, and everybody loved him, he was so popular! He was very insecure though. That’s why the outward garb was over the top. One time he over heard my husband and I talking about not knowing what to do about his schooling, he as a small child thought he was a failure, never measuring up. Do you know what our lack of discretion cost? He was destroyed in his heart for years. But God is so good, and we have been able to redeem all those things again. He is creative, artistic, a joy to be with, talented, sensitive towards people and generous to a fault. Were we cutting down the clothes? No, clothes aren’t important, is a mohawk important? piercings? Pick your battles wisely… You are training them to be all that God has created them to be. Ask them about their personal convictions, they won’t answer for yours, only theirs. You are their guide, study their ways, prune and train, but remember, if you cut a branch that is not meant to be cut, it will a have lasting effect. Keep in your sight, the joy set before YOU, that each “work of art” that God has given you to work with in your children is a gift from Him, and the rewards are so great! Can you see it in your minds eye? Yeah that’s it- you’re getting the vision!

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